Damned If You Do

[Spoken Intro]
(playful, spoken)
Have you ever found yourself saying, “This is a damned if I do damned if I don’t situation when making decisions? Well? Here’s a song about just that kind of predicament.

[Chorus]
Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t
You’d think it’s the thought that counts
But I’ll be damned if it isn’t my usual luck.
Every time I try to do right it all goes south

[Spoken Verse]
Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago — or was it three? I can’t quite remember on account of how fast the whole weekend went sideways.

I figured I’d finally be the perfect husband, you know?
The kind you see in the movies.
So I got up early, cleaned the whole house from top to bottom.
Did the dishes that had been stacking up since last Tuesday.
Picked up a nice bouquet of flowers, and even planned a quiet dinner for two.
I was feeling pretty proud of myself by the time she walked through the door.

She took one look around, put her hands on her hips, and said, “What did you do?”
I said, “Nothing! Just wanted to make things nice for ya.”

She said, “Uh-huh. So what are you hiding? Nobody does all this unless they’re feeling guilty about something.”

I tried explaining it was just a nice gesture.
She said, “See? Now you’re getting defensive.

If you really cared you would’ve done it last week —
when I asked.”

[Verse]
If I do it early, I must be up to something
If I do it late, well it don’t mean nothing.
An unexpected gesture, right out of the blue
Should’ve known better seeing I always get screwed.

[Spoken Verse – relaxed talking blues narrative]
Meanwhile, back at the office on Monday, I decided I’d be the perfect employee.

Boss had a big project due, so I stayed late, reworked the whole presentation, and even brought coffee the next morning. for everyone.
Boss looks at me and says, “What’s this? You angling for my job now?”
I said, “No sir, just trying to help the team.”
He said, “Help the team? Or make me look bad?
Last guy who stayed late like this ended up running the whole department… right before they laid him off for — ‘restructuring.’”

So there I am, caught in the middle of both worlds.

I go home and try to explain the boss situation to my better half.
She says, “You’re spending all that extra time at work but you couldn’t remember to take the trash out?”

I go back to work and try to explain the home situation to the boss.

He says, “Family problems? Sounds like a distraction. Maybe you need to focus more on the job.”

[Verse]
If I stay here working, I’m neglecting home
If I leave a little early, It’s the door I’m shown.
Try to keep it balanced, try to do it right
Still wind up losing every time I try

[Instrumental Break]

[Spoken Verse – relaxed talking blues narrative]
I spent the next three days bouncing between the two like a ping-pong ball in a hurricane.

Flowers wilted, the presentation got sent back twice, the trash piled up again, and somehow I ended up apologizing to everybody for trying to do what I thought was the right thing in the first place.

Wouldn’t you know it, my buddy tried the exact same routine the following week — cleaned the house for his wife and stayed late for his boss.
She thought he was up to something, the boss thought he was gunning for a raise,
and now he’s sleeping on the couch with a stack of performance reviews laying across his chest.

Finally I said the hell with it. I grabbed my guitar, sat down right there on the front steps, and started singing this song.
Pretty soon half the neighborhood was out with lawn chairs, nodding along like they’d lived every word of it.

Even my wife and the boss ,who somehow both showed up at the same time stood there listening. She shook her head and said, “You know, if you’d just done it my way…”

He said, “If you’d just done it my way…”

I looked both of ’em dead in the eye and said:
“Yeah… but I’m damned if I do… and damned if I don’t.”

[Final Chorus]
Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t
You’d think it’s the thought that counts
But I’ll be damned if isn’t my usual luck.
Every time I try to do right it all goes south

[Spoken Tag]
And if there’s any lesson to be learned from this song
about whether good intentions pay off or won’t—
The answer is…

[SUNG]
You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.